i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
