i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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