proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
