Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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