eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
