My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
