My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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