i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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