haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
