i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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