Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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