I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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