My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
