im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
