May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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