had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Houston, we have a blender
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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