Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
