does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
