you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Randomize
