I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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