what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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