Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
