I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
