Swine flu. Run for my life!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
