Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Randomize
