Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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