i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
