ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
