so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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