I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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