My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
