my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
