sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
