I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
