I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
