Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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