I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
