When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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