They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Randomize
