sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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