who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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