I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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