remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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