I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I met the friendliest cop last night
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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