dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And then he peed in my hair
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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