I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
