Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Barsexuality is the new black.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
