does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
so much tequila, so little girl.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
