I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Buhtt sex?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
