Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
