Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
