so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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