I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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