last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
