When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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