Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
