I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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