"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
