the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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